We all have a need to belong. But pretending to be 'normal’ has great consequences- it often results in higher levels of anxiety, burnout, and depression. Research shows that high masking autistic individuals are more vulnerable to bullying and mistreatment, as our hidden disabilities make us easy targets for ridicule. The fear of rejection from a world unfamiliar with our unmasked selves can be daunting, leading many of us to hesitate before fully embracing our authenticity.
At a basic level, autistic masking may be choosing not to stim in public, forcing eye contact, or pretending to laugh at something that others find funny. For some, it means discouragement from pursuing interests not deemed ‘socially acceptable’ or feeling pressured to always be super friendly, and high energy, for example.
So what does ‘unmasking’ look like to me?
Here's a few of my own examples....
I now have around 20 (who's counting!? lol) pairs of cat earring-some for Christmas, easter, St Patricks day, Halloween, etc...and I don’t care what others think!
I allow my body to move how it wants to move more- I move my body when I want to. I bounce my legs a lot, crack my knuckles, bite my lips, stroke my face, scratch my head, etc.
I let my eyes move where they want to- I find that when I talk, it’s hard to look at the other person a lot of the time, so I have to look away more
I allow myself to stare into space and not try to cover it up, or feel like I’ve been ‘caught out’
I allow myself to eat the exact same food over and over and over again, and not feel that I have to apologise for it- hello frozen green grapes this summer- I eat maybe a kilo a day?!
I now own four pairs of noise cancelling headsets/ear buds, and have trialed countless numbers of earplugs.
I threw out all dark colours in my wardrobe- life is too short to live in the dark- i love colour!
I try to ‘fake smile’ much less
I just say how it is now
I don’t pretend to like someone if I don’t like them
I’ve learnt to trust my gut with people
I rarely wear any jewellery anymore, except for earrings, which don’t bother me
I keep my nails short, because it feels good
I let myself look at moving objects like fans and things that spin- it really relaxes me
I let myself say the same thing over and over and over again in my head- why not! No point trying to stop thoughts
I let myself have my little ‘t-rex arms’ and don’t try to hide them
I don’t care who knows I am autistic
I wear a cap inside shopping centres (if I can’t avoid going into one)
I have a huge collection of fidget toys, weighted lap blanket, and other things that I use
I garden in the rain and don’t care what the neighbours think!
I don’t care if I’m overdressed for an occasion anymore- why not wear the clothes I love?
I don’t have time anymore for people who are judgemental or lack compassion
I have no time for people who put down our neurokin
I leave a catch up with friends earlier now if I need to
I rarely answer the phone (unless it’s a good friend or close family)
I’ve given up wearing shoes (most of the time- you can't take the Darwin out of the girl, as they say ;)
I’ve accepted that I will continue to have dry skin because I hate the feeling of moisturizing my skin
I accept that I have a disability... that i'm 'differently abled' and that it's not a bad thing
I surround myself with lovely, warm and kind people who are compassionate
Unmasking is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and courage. It's a process of peeling back layers of societal expectations and revealing the authentic self that lies beneath. As someone who has spent decades perfecting the art of masking, I understand the complexities and challenges of this journey all too well.
Unmasking isn't about tearing down the facade overnight; it's a gradual unravelling of the layers we've meticulously crafted over time. Just as Rome wasn't built in a day, dismantling our masks requires time, patience, and understanding. Rushing the process can be overwhelming and counterproductive, potentially leading to emotional turmoil and burnout. It's essential to proceed at a pace that feels comfortable and manageable, honouring our individual needs and limitations along the way.
The journey of unmasking is multifaceted, with each layer revealing new insights and discoveries about ourselves. It's a continuous process of self-exploration, guided by a desire to embrace our authentic identities and find pride in who we truly are. While it may take years to fully shed the mask (if at al, every step forward is progress, right?
For me, unmasking is a long and continual journey of reclaiming my autonomy. It's about allowing myself to express my true self without fear of judgment or rejection. Through small but meaningful acts of authenticity, such as wearing cat earrings proudly or allowing myself to stim openly, I've begun to reconnect with parts of myself that were long suppressed.
Embracing my autistic identity has been both empowering and liberating. It's a radical act of self-acceptance, challenging societal norms and embracing the beauty of neurodiversity. By unapologetically being myself MORE (i can't always), I've found more of a sense of freedom and belonging.
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